Experts Say Latest Epidemic May Spread “Out of Control”

Reginald Smith

(gnws) - Ever since mid January, when the public became fully aware of the measles outbreak which began at Disneyland in California, researchers have been tracking a parallel outbreak that is thought to be connected with the one in California. According to Doug Franklin, a scientist at the Centers for Fear Control and Prevention (CFC), the infection has spread to all 50 states but the hardest hit areas are said to be those “having a much higher than average number of naïve, over-protective, obsessive compulsive, news addicted parents with just one or two whiny, completely spoiled children.”

Anyone exposed to the infection can expect a number of symptoms including: constant worrying, restlessness, teary eyes, constant whining about minuscule threats to their family's health while ignoring real ones, frequent hurling of insults at those who don't share their frenzied state of mind, an occasional tantrum, etc.

It's still too early to tell for sure, but officials in Atlanta are now hypothesizing that this parallel outbreak may have been triggered by the national news media itself and top scientists are currently looking into this possibility.

Although what exactly triggered the outbreak isn't known for sure, it's widely believed that the outbreak is being fueled by too low a percentage in the population of those who have been immunized against this particular infection prior to adulthood by having been made to read actual non-fiction books containing material backed by real, cited sources as opposed to say, spending all of one's time either shopping, playing video games, watching cartoons or TV newscasts, studying for standardized tests, learning to twerk or watching others do so...

As such, experts warn that unless all young adults are immunized at an early age, it's a virtual guarantee that a future infection of this sort will spread “out of control” and therefore changes in public policy at the state level must be legislated immediately requiring each and every student graduating from our public school system to have read at least one non-fiction book so that later, when moving on to college or into one's chosen career, it can be shown that they have been at least minimally immunized against fear and stupidity.

Experts admit that one book alone might not suffice to fully immunize an individual for life from this dreaded disease which, prior to reading, took an estimated toll of one in one hundred lives annually and therefore, a second non-fiction book of a serious nature might need to be read sometime in the future as the individual ages.

Of course, at the heart of the ongoing debate is the long-standing “educational exemptions” that have enabled our public schools to avoid having to teach most children to read, let alone think for themselves. As a result, many children reach adulthood with a poor understanding of the world around them and all too often this misunderstanding leads to unfounded but incapacitating fear itself. As Franklin himself was keen to point out, “Clearly, such exemptions are a threat to public health and ought to be eliminated!”

“Were it not for these exemptions,” Bill Caruthers, consternation epidemiologist at the CFC assured members of the press, “such an epidemic as this would never have started!” That the population as a whole consists of pockets of individuals that haven't been immunized by having been forced at some point to read at least one book is clearly the salient factor involved here and experts stress that, in order for the overall population to be protected, at least 60% of individuals must have read an actual book. Once this level is attained, the population is said to possess “non-herd mentality” or NHM.

Reginald Smith is a staff writer for the Atlantic Daily News. He can be contacted at

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